Reflections of Innocence

Last weekend, my dear friends Kim and Kirsten from Sugar Land drove up to spend a couple days with us and attend our big summer party. Kirsten is an extremely gifted photographer and has been photographing my children for the past couple years. I jumped at the chance for a photo shoot!!! I'm a little behind with John, so we did his 8.5 yr pics, Matt's 6 yr pics and Jossilyn's 18 month pics. Below is a sampling of my beautiful children's portraits. Click the images to enlarge them.

If you are in the Houston area and need an amazing photographer, please contact my friend Kirsten here or here. Kirsten is also a talented writer. Someday, I know we will see her on the NY Best Seller list, but for now, please follow her blog!

John, 8.5 years old… introverted, kind-hearted, perfectionist, loyal, sensitive

Matthew, 6 years old… quick witted, vivacious, playful, forceful, full of life

Jossilyn, 18 months… outgoing, strong-willed, social butterfly, girly, delightful

I LOVE hearing from you!! To leave a comment, simply click on the word "comments" below this post, just under my name!

Inner Musings After a Looooong Mommy Day

As a stay-at-home-home for the past 8.5 years, I occasionally struggle to find measurable meaning in my overwhelmingly routine existence. I understand that my reward for endless sacrifice and suffocatingly difficult days with young kids will come when they emerge as strong, loving, contributing adults, but some days it's hard to lay my head down at night with no tangible validation for all the work I put in that day.

Eons ago, back when I was in the working world, corporate speak was the norm, pantyhose were a curse and at the end of the day, I could look at a pile of projects checked off my list and feel satisfied with the day's accomplishments. I took pride in my work, had confidence in my abilities, and overall, felt that whichever company I was working for was benefiting from having me on staff.

Now, I rarely get a shower before noon. I can clean up the same mess six times in one day but, somehow, it's still there at bedtime. Dishes and laundry simply do not have a finish line. At any given point in the day, it is a safe bet that I am wiping someone's butt. I make 1,000 micro decisions per day, and have little confidence in many of them. I often wonder if anyone in the family is benefiting from having me “on staff”. Sometimes, I long for the days when I could see tangible proof of my contributions and received validation from coworkers and clients for my hard work. I miss the feeling of having something important to contribute to a project, or giving intelligent interjections at a meeting. I can work my tail off for my kids and they still say my arms are flabby, I have yellow teeth, and, most recently, John informed me I have no talent. I can laugh at those innocent proclamations, but deep down, I often long for the days when there were a few people around who respected me.

I admire my friends who are throwing together multi-million dollar corporate extravaganzas, saving lives as RNs, making a difference in a classroom or boardroom, etc. I often envy the stories they have to tell at the end of the day. My spit-up and poop debacles are hardly fodder for table talk.

In a society where one's worth is often irrevocably connected to their occupation and education, I am quite frequently presumed to hold a lower social rung on the proverbial ladder. I often find that others equate stay-at-home-mom with uneducated or incapable of achieving higher goals. While I occasionally find the misconceptions humorous, it inevitably chips away at my inner self-confidence. Fact is, I have a bachelor's degree and held positions in numerous reputable companies before I consciously chose to stay home and raise my children – a decision I do not regret.

What is regrettable, however, is how inadequate I often feel when surrounded by my husband's colleagues or other corporate-types. (A large number of my extended family all work for the same company.) I rarely have anything useful to contribute to the natural flow of conversation, and often find myself spinning one-liners or meager attempts at humor if only to feel included. Sometimes I just space out. Quite frankly, talking about investing and finance for hours on end is not my idea of a happenin’ night out. However, it's those moments of interaction with other educated, successful grown-ups when I find myself wistfully wishing that someone would turn and say, “Let's hear what Jeni has to say about this,” and genuinely care. Now, if the conversation suddenly turns to how to multi-task in the kitchen or juggle the needs of three children while simultaneously folding laundry, doing dishes, wiping snot and feeding the dog, then, heck, I've got that market cornered!

As I sign off from this entry, I am about to head upstairs to tuck my children in bed, kiss them goodnight, and then spend the next hour cleaning up the various messes they left in their wake – and then do it all again tomorrow. When I wake up, I will trade the pantyhose and heels for denim and flip flops and the most important decision I make will be what to fix for lunch. I will judge my accomplishments to be successful if I manage to get from the kitchen to the bedroom without tripping over legos. And when my husband comes home from work, he will most likely find dishes in the sink, toys on the floor, an unmade bed and a dirty diaper on Jossilyn. What he doesn't know is that I already did breakfast and lunch dishes, but then the kids ate snacks. I made the bed first thing in the morning, but then the boys built a fort out of my covers. I changed Jossilyn's diaper 10 minutes earlier, but she “did her thing” seconds before he walked in the door.

That’s my life. And I love it. I’m not contributing to world peace, forging corporate mergers or even designing a magazine ad, but my kids will go to bed knowing that Mommy will be there in the morning. And at lunch. And at dinner. And then I will trip over legos as I walk upstairs to tuck them in at night.

I LOVE hearing from you!! To leave a comment, simply click on the word "comments" below this post, just under my name!

Ahhhh, the country life!

Well, here we are! I can hardly believe that I am ACTUALLY living in the same small, country, back-woods town where I spent my early childhood! James has known since he met me nearly 14 years ago that I dreamed of raising my children in this quiet, country environment. I love it here. The town is only 2,500 people, but we are only minutes from major shopping and a quick 20-min drive to Ft. Worth. It's truly the best of both worlds!

The move has gone smoothly. The only hiccup was a prolonged argument with AT&T in which I did prevail and I am quite sure "Jeni" is now a 4-letter-word in some segments of the company. For the most part, we are settled in and assuming a normal daily routine. Since we moved "home", the transition was an easy one. No need to stress over not having friends and family around - they're all here!!! WHOO HOOO!!!!

Let me cut to the chase… many of you have been asking - and in some cases, begging - for pictures of the new house. Here they are! Well, here are most of them, anyway. You're going to have to wait for pics of the guest room and John's room. Those were too messy to photograph. 'Nuff said.

So, let's start the tour. Here is the front and back of the house. We are nestled on just shy of 2.5 acres. I'll snap some pics of the rest of the property for you soon to give you a better idea. Click on the pics to enlarge them.







Here are some pics of the entry way and living room…




The kitchen is just off the living room…




The dining room is just off the entry way and connected to the living room. Had to have this room painted… it was pumpkin orange! Nice color for some, but not for me. =)


The game room in this house is smaller, but I like it. It's cozy and has huge windows overlooking the property.


Just off the game room is the downstairs hall which leads to Matt's room and bathroom.



The master bedroom is so nice. I truly feel like I have a retreat to go to. It's quiet back there and the views of the backyard are so peaceful. Love love love my bedroom!





Upstairs is a loooooooong hall. This was exciting to me because our last house was designed with NO hallways. Finding places to hang all my pictures was so traumatic for me. If you know me well, then you know I have an extraordinary affinity for photography. The baby gate is to keep Jossilyn from breaching John's "safe zone" and creating havoc in the guestroom.
Jossilyn's room is HUGE. It's the perfect size to accommodate the HUGE messes she makes with her toys. The decor is the same as the old house. I had to re-buy a lot of the decorations, but it was totally worth it to keep the same theme.



And that's it! For now, anyway… everything beyond the baby gate was too messy for film, which means that Jossilyn is NOT the messiest kid in our family! =)

What do YOU believe???

In anticipation of moving back to Fort Worth, I have been cleansing and purging all things “junk” in my house. I tried going from room to room, but ADD kicked in, so I end up cleaning whatever part of the house happens to catch my eye at the time. The other day, the area of the house that won was my bedroom nightstand. As I riffled through the endless old receipts, magazines, and other various pieces of trash, I happened upon three photos that I had all but forgotten about and I want to share them with you now.

As most of you know, on September 16, 2004, James and I lost our second child, whom we named “Jordan” since we never learned the baby's gender. Losing my baby was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. Some women are able to bounce back quickly, but for me, it was an emotional roller coaster, and I still think about this sweet baby that's waiting for my first hug when we finally meet in Heaven.

As a Christian, I have never been one to believe in ghosts. I believe there is absolutely supernatural activity, but that activity is caused by either angels or demons. I believe that when you die, your spirit is immediately taken to Heaven, for those of us who choose to accept Christ as our personal Savior, or hell, for those that don’t. Everything we perceive to be “ghostly” activity is really just spiritual warfare or deception on the part of demons to entice us into the occult.

However, on Christmas day, 2004, three photos were taken of me that I cannot explain. I want to share them with you now and hear your explanations and opinions. That Christmas day was only three months after Jordan died and the wound was still very raw. I was relying heavily on strength from family, friends and the Lord to get me through each day.

Many people have experienced “orbs” in their photographs. There are many explanations for this phenomenon such as dust on the camera lens, spirits, refracting light, etc. Until this day, I had never experienced an orb in any of my photographs. In this first photo, please note the large orb next to my Dad as well as the fact that the television on the far right hand side of the picture is clearly off. This photo was taken with my camera.

NOTE: Even though I am a graphic designer, I give you my absolute word that I simply scanned these photos in. They have not been retouched, altered or enhanced in any way. Click on the photos to enlarge them.

This next photo is of me sitting in front of the television. It was taken with my Dad's camera just minutes after the previous photo. I am including it only to prove that the television behind me is conclusively turned OFF.

In this last and final photo, taken with my camera just a few minutes after the first two, please note the reflection in the TV screen. To the left of the TV screen, you see MY reflection, which is only visible because the TV is still turned OFF and a dark screen reflects the environment around it. However, WHAT is the reflection on the right-hand side of the TV screen??? The only blonde in the room was ME. That is NOT a picture of me. The TV was off. The only people across from the TV were my family members. There are no photos on the wall opposite the television. In fact, please note that the red power light is not on at the base of the television, further proving that it was, in fact, off. No one in my family can identify this person. It is not another photograph overlaid on this one because the strange image is confined to the parameters of the TV screen.

So you tell me.... did baby Jordan make his/her presence known that Christmas day to comfort me? Is it an angel? Or is this just a photography phenomenon that I am unfamiliar with?

Please leave your comments telling me what you think! To leave a comment here, click on "COMMENTS" at the bottom of this post, underneath the last picture of Jossilyn.

Jossilyn Sneak Peak
Can you believe it? Jossilyn just turned ONE!! This year has flown by! Here are a few of her one-year portraits. I'm a little biased, but I think she is clearly the most beautiful baby in the world!!!

Winds of Change...Again.

There are few things I have prayed for with more diligence than my request to "get back home to Texas" when I was living in California. Specifically, to get home to Dallas/Fort Worth (DFW). I remember with vivid clarity the despair I felt that first year there and how my depression nearly smothered me like a heavy, wet blanket. I know God had many things He wanted me to work on, but I was already so perfect, I couldn't imagine what might need tweaking. (Insert stifled snickers here.) Over the four years that we were there, I gradually came to understand some of the lessons God was trying to teach me, while simultaneously wondering why He couldn't have taught me those very same lessons from the comfort of the Lone Star State. Who knows? At any rate, I prayed. James prayed. Our children prayed. Our family and friends prayed. We all wanted our family to go "home" to DFW.

In early March of 2009, that prayer was answered by way of a move to Sugar Land, Texas, outside of Houston. Okay. It wasn't Fort Worth, but I could deal. In fact, I was thrilled! Over the past couple years, James and I have come to love Sugar Land (or Candyland as I affectionately refer to it) and I began to picture raising our three children here. New dreams have replaced the old. The prayers to get back to DFW ceased. We were home.

Or so we thought.

God has a sense of humor. Don't let anyone tell you differently. Out of the blue, over the past few days, God has opened a door in James' career that would land us smack dab in the middle of Fort Worth. To our own surprise, we have become so attached to Sugar Land, that we actually had to "discuss" the idea before we unanimously agreed: DFW is, was, and always will be - home.

Therefore, it is with great excitement and anticipation that our family begins another brand new journey as we take the next step in our lives and relocate (again) to DFW. We have decided to settle in a very small, country town that I grew up in, called Aledo. It sits just 15 minutes west of Fort Worth and should be a fairly simple commute for James. I am delighted that my children will get to experience the country lifestyle that I was privy to, and I pray they form memories as fond as mine. I also pray that they don't plot to kill me when they realize that they will now have to become experts in identifying and avoiding rattlers, cotton mouths, copperheads, tarantulas, black widow spiders, and scorpions; all of which bountifully exist in Aledo.

As with all our company relos, this will happen quite quickly. James will be reporting to Fort Worth in just a matter of weeks. The kids and I will stay here so I can facilitate the sale of our home with as little interruption to the children's schooling as possible.

We covet your prayers as we make this transition and look forward to reconnecting with all of our DFW friends that we have missed so much!! To those in Candyland that we leave behind, thank you for the part you have played in our lives in the brief time that we have had the privilege of knowing you. I look forward to continuing friendships and visits! Friends we have already parted with can attest that I love company!! My door is always open!!